Browse Professor Quotes

 The Wachowski Brothers actually had Keanu Reeves read this. Obviously the hardest preparation for a role he'd ever done.

—Dussere, Cyberpunk Lit, on Baudrillard's Simulations.

Dear Senator,

Get your ass out of Congress.

—Prof. Ivers, Individual Freedoms v. Authority

The kind of drugs on this campus you don't need a prescription for. 

—Prof. Ivers, Individual Freedoms V. Authority

Remember the U2? That funny looking plane that can fly up to 80 thous... Wait, I'm not supposed to be talking about that!

—Prof. Ben Jensen, spilling state secrets

"Why do the men always get to have the orgasms?"

—Marc Medwin, On the Romantic Era of Western European Art Music

Don't do any hanky-panky with the local people. 

—Dr. Nambiar, ANTH-110. What you need to know about anthropological field research.

I pride myself on plunging into the abyss; I don't know shit about something before writing a book about it.

—Professor Richard C. Sha, Imagining the Imagination
When you're doing brain surgery, you want to make sure you don't take out something that the guy's using.
—Professor Fantie, discussing his days as a neurosurgeon in Psychology as a Natural Science
Prosecutors just want to be judges, and we all know judges just want to be God
—Professor Kane, Cities and Crime
Do not say 'Medieval Times' in your papers. It's not a restraunt.
—Professor Tracy, Lit 360 Topics in Medieval Literature: Chaucer
This is a business class. If you don't know the answer, I expect you to look me in the eye and bullshit.
—Professor Kraemer, Fundamentals of e-Commerce
Potatoes were the Ramen Noodles of the Irish peasants.
—Professor Pacitti, Macroeconomics on the potato famine
So this is why when you stick your lizard in the freezer, he gets really laid back
—Professor Kim in Oceanography class talking about how cold affects metabolism
So what? I used to go to political rallies to get dates.
—Professor Smith, Govt-110 Politics in the U.S. After discussing the lack of voter participation.
We don’t know shit. You can write that down.
—Prof Riley, Psych as a Natural Science
Oh yeah, I'm on there? Well that means it's one of you, and I will find out who.
—Professor Neil Kerwin, Regulation and America upon being informed of his appearance on the professor quote section
Flaccid penises are *no good* in medieval literature.
—Professor Tracy, Lit-360 Chaucer, concerning the "prickasour"
Professor Dent: Richard Leakey and Donald Johansen do not like one another. In fact, they can barely stand to be in the same room.
TA Smith: Especially these days.
—Professor RJ Dent and TA Russell Smith, Human Origins, ANTH-250, discussing two archeologists, one of whom lost his legs in a plane crash in 1993.
Just because you're gay doesn't mean you favor high taxes.
—Professor Lublin, explaining gay Republicans
Herpes: Dreaded by campuses world wide
—Professor Tudge, Bio-210, Gen Bio 2
Why are most of our illegal immigrants Mexican? Right, because they can just walk across the border. It is easier to walk across the border than an ocean, unless, of course, you’re Jesus.
—Professor Blecker, ECON-358, Economics of North America
Georgetown is truely one of the great, most distinguished... shopping areas in Washington.
—Professor Richard Berendzen, Astonomy
What, your parents never told you this stuff? It's probably because we smoked too much pot.
—Prof Schaler, Deprivation of Liberty, JLS 200
Getting offed puts a little crimp in your plans.
—Professor Flanagan, GOVT-105 Individual Freedom vs. Authority
If the floors are coed in the dorms, do they have gang showers too?
—Professor Singerman, Dynamics of Political Change
I decided it would be fun to wear sweaters.
—Professor Guay, SIS-220, on why he became a professor
Mother Teressa is either a simpleton or afraid of going to hell.
—Professor Flanagan, Individual Freedom vs. Authority on justice in three kinds of people.
And by the way, one of my students showed me this daily jolt dot com website, and you guys… you’re all bastards! Do I REALLY say those things? I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop. I don’t know which one of you is doing this, but I’m gonna find you.”
—Prof. Tony Riley, Psych. as a Natural Science
The death penalty...it's just a smidge barbaric...
—Professor Williams, Political Power and American Public Policy
When you were in kindergarten, did your teacher write back to your parents, 'Does not play well with others?'
—Professor Doug Klusmeyer, Western Legal Tradition, trying to get our timid class to respond to a "there's-no-wrong-answer" question
Guinivere..the white breasted saint...unless you read the early version where she's a rampaging whore.
—Professor Tracy, Literary Imagination
Would you want a woman to be president and what if she had pms? 'Where is that red button? I’m going to push it!'
—Professor Tschemplik, Western Philosophy: discussing Simone de Beauvoir's "The Second Sex" and the emotional differences between men and women
(in a thick French accent) There is a bug... on the projector...
—Professor Marcq, Chem 110
Philosophy is the most extreme thing you can do to your mind that won't show up in your urine the next morning
—Professor Jeffrey Reiman
Why can't I marry my sister? Three words: British Royal Family.
—Professor Titus, GOVT 215, Civil Rights and Liberties
If you want to feel better about the world, listen to music and eat chocolate.
—Professor Deeb, World Politics
Beer tastes like water someone passed gas through.
—Prof. Fantie, Psych 115
Alright, let's change the example. So I knock the crap out of three Norweigians...
—Professor Titus, CLEG Seminar
When I'm writing my book, sometimes I get so intoxicated by thoughts that I have to calm myself. I sit down, maybe put on some classical music (looks around the room) and then I eat chocolate.
—Professor Deeb, Arab Israeli Relations
I tried to avoid the New Zealand mission... Because their sandwiches are not that good.
—Professor Guernsey, SIS-322 Human Rights; discussing the convention drafting process
Sleeping beauty was a slut.
—Professor Flanagan discussing how cultural artifacts affect children.
You know they give you 100 bucks for something, you know... And I can't bring in beer for a lotta reasons- it's the morning, and it's also illegal.
—Professor Frank Smyth Contemporary Media in a Global Society. Considering what he could bring in during finals using the class money AU gave him.
And the University starts stalking me like a crazed ex-girlfriend.
—Professor Titus, CLEG Seminar, in reference to handing in late final grades at the end of the semester
On his kid hypothetically seeing the Super Bowl show: The trouble that I would have had would not have been with the nudity, because I could explain that the breast is simply an instrument ... well, it's not simply an instrument...
—Prof. Jack Orwant, SOC
Worthless? Well it's all worthless until I decide how much it's worth.
—Professor Crosby (Basic Statistics) on our classwork
Liberals are often very constipated.
—Professor Akan, World Politics
Q: what is a parrot on a diet?
A: a polynomial (polly no meal)
Q: what do mermaids wear?
A: algebra (algae bra)
Q: what does an acorn say when it's all grown up?
A: geometry (gee i'm a tree)
—Dr. Stallings (Calculus 1: Math 221-001)
Generally when senators on both sides of the aisle are calling for you to resign, that's a bad sign. That's when you know it's time to update your resume and go to Kinko's.
—Prof. Titus, Civil Rights and Liberties, discussing Alberto Gonzalez and Congress
only a two dollar pimp from a poor whorehouse in New Orleans would drive a white Cadillac.
—Ed Smith, Washington DC, Life in a Monument
This is one of those terms academics make up and write about to get tenure.
—Professor Heng, China, Japan and the US
It's very hard to walk across the ocean...unless you're like...JESUS.
—Professor Blecker, on the ease for Mexicans to cross the border and difficulty for other emigrants from other countries
Life is a shit sandwhich and every day we take a bite.
—Prof. Barry McCarthy, Psychology of Well Being
What is sarcasm? It's like saying... look at Professor Streitmatter's shirt! Is he planning on going to the circus?
—Professor Streitmatter, Comm 100-001
May I nibbleth on thy ear?
—Professor Tamashasky, Lit 105, The Literary Imagination
If you don't understand just bitch
—Professor White, explaining statistics
Aaaah beer, one of the great things in life. It's a compliment to everything, and and has no substitutes.
—Prof. Husted (asst. Dean of CAS) Econ: 345; Econometrics
The Knee seems to be designed by committee. It's really an unfortunate joint.
—Professor Dent, Human Origins
The way the journal grades work is just like a 'how compatible are you with your boyfriend' quiz in Cosmopolitan.
—Professor Ellis, SIS 105: World Politics
I don't think I'll ever be able to teach Republicans how to be polite or Democrats how to be classy.
—Professor Lublin, Politics in the U.S.
I heard on NPR that Mexican women in New Jersey are converting to Islam and wearing the chador... This says a lot about New Jersey.
—Prof. Ruth Lane, Grassroots Institutions
Obviously my human language sucks today.
—Greg Busse, Psych 115
Student: So what happens if you have an old, male, wealthy Jew?
Professor: You marry him to your daughter.
—Professor Newman, Comparative Politics
Well, that's great. You can't just kill everybody. That's called genocide these days.
—Professor Ellis; reactions of certain groups to "outsiders"
If you learn one thing in this class, it will be how to make a zombie.
—Professor Dominguez, PSYC 325: Neurological Bases of Behavior
They're an interesting cross between Hansel and Gretel...and something very dangerous.
—Professor Bixby, LFS 230 The Modernist Explosion, regarding her two German-speaking children, both black belts in Tae Kwon Doe
Its difficult to suck and talk at the same time!
—Dr. Rebecca Johnson, IR Research, on simultaneously lecturing and consuming a cough drop
He has ten times more CDs than the people who I think have a lot of CDs.
—Prof. Carr, Microeconomics
A little salsa goes a long way in a hostage situation.
—Ambassador Quainton, Diplomatic Practice, explaining the power of dance when ambassadors are taken hostage.
...like there's some College Writing drinking game, 'Open the student newspaper and take a shot for every comma splice you see!
—Professor Cox, explaining what College Writing professors do at their end-of-semester party
As Mr. Garrison says, 'There's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.'...Am I the only one who watches South Park?
—Professor Stuart Johnson (SIS 496.024) after a student began a question with "This may be a stupid question, but..."
I love my computer, but sometimes it scares me.
—Professor Rebecca Johnson, Reconstructing the Balkans
This is probably the last time you'll see me wearing pants.
—Professor Jeff Middents to his first class, referring to his dress pants
If you don't love Jesus Christ I'll cut your fucking head off!
—Prof. Turaj, Lit 210, translating the phrase "anathema maranatha"
Testing is a fact of life. When you are born you are tested to make sure you're alive. When you die they test you to make sure you're dead. Then there's all the tests you are given during all the time inbetween. The worst of all are the standardized tests. If I could bomb any place of Earth...believe me it would be the Princeton Test Center.
—Professor Thompson, EDU 330: Instructional Strategies & Teaching Methods
So this young man came to me and said, 'Professor, I don’t really know where to find porn.' To make a long story short, I supplied the porn.”
—Professor Streitmatter on last years "Porn and Pizza" and the actual procurement of the porn.
Big Momma...What's Going On??!!
—Professor Gammon, HFIT 125, Personal Defense
Back then there were severe loitering laws, so if your parents caught you drunk they would beat you worse then the police in the station... back then there was no child abuse or 9/11...
—Professor Smith, Three Marriages that Made America
“We’re talking Faulker Country here, inter-marriage and we’re not talking across racial lines, we’re talking across those important family lines. Strange babies down there.”
—Prof. Julian Bond and Chairman of the NAACP, talking about the people encountered in Macon, Mississippi
Somebody should make a pop-up book on him. 'The American Taliban: Watch him jump out of a cave!'
—Professor Titus, CLEG Seminar
Condoms wouldn't prevent genatal warts...maybe a trashbad would.
—Dr. Stephen MacAvoy BIO100G, on STD transmissions
So I guess I've shot my wad here with this poem.
—Prof. Loesberg, Darwinism
Here's the problem with Monday-Thursday classes. On Monday, everyone is recooperating from the weekend and on Thursday everyone is getting ready for the weekend. (Muttered) It's like I'm the only one not partying)
—Professor Bulmash, ACCT-240
Future Bill Clintons: avoid those thongs.
—words of wisdom from PR professor Lenny Steinhorn.
You can call me Coach. [We ask why]. I had a professor a long time ago who was one, and I just like the name.
—Professor Sharabati, STATS-202
Condi. It's like Cher, you don't need a last name.
—Professor Howard, Analysis of US Foreign Policy
What does it mean to be subordinate? Dusting? Being on the bottom?
—Ashley Gauthier-Messenger, Legal Aspects of Comm.: talking about a law that was declared unconstitutional that had to do with depicting women in subordinate situations.
This is why I like drugs!
—Greg Busse expressing his displeasure at having to teach the "boring" "Senses" class instead of the more interesting "Drugs and Behavior" class
So I was talking to Bono today...[class laughs] no, really.
—Julian Bond, Politics of Civil Rights
I would prefer that you don’t bring those fancy things that I don’t understand.
—Professor Dorsainvil, Econ-100. It is unclear if she was referencing computers or graphing calculators...
This is where I start to sound like a parent: We buy the chair for you to sit in!
—Professor/President Neil Kerwin, regarding the unorthodox chair habits of a student.
If it has an umlaut over it, it's probably good, that's how I see it...man, that sucks.
—Professor Erfani, PHIL-150, in reference to his beer preferences.
Yes, Long Island- you're one of the first to go.
—Professor Heng, World Politics, on global warming/rising water levels
“I don’t know smack [heroin], but I know my playboy bunnies”
—Professor Rebecca Johnson in Reconstructing the Balkans
I take these seriously, so don't rush through it, but don't be all Mr. Seriouspants about it.
—Professor Wright's instructions before the evaluations on his Digital Imaging class.
I ain't licking any frogs or smoking bananas.
—Professor Midkiff, Forensic Science - discussing what he won't do to get high
But you guys wouldn't know about wine unless you go abroad to a 'civilized' country where the drinking age is a bit lower.
—Professor Brautigam, SIS-400: Social Policy & Development
I'm sorry I'm late, it was snowing a couple days ago
—Dr Sarah Johnson, Intro to Peace and Conflict Resolution
Where does a 9 year old learn that owning a Lambo is the bee's knees?
—Professor Sha, randomly talking about his sons out of context again.
Unfortunately my senses class is filled up, but I do teach a killer research methods class.
—Greg Busse, trying to pimp out his research methods class that no one cared about.
If you look at a yellow pill, it looks like a submarine...if you're high.
—Prof. Smith, Perf-320, History of Rock Music

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